Reflections on my Brother’s Transition
On my parents’ pond, this very rare and extraordinary sighting of a white pelican occurred two days after John’s funeral. A creation whose symbolism reflects John’s character and likeness.
It’s been almost eight months since my younger brother transitioned to the place beyond the flesh. I don’t like to use the word death, because he isn’t dead to me, but his soul and the spirit it exudes lives on. The word “passing” is a close second to death, so the word “transition” best fits what I feel to be true of his state. Though, I can’t see him with my physical eyes, my soul feels the closeness of his spirit. It’s like he is in another dimension that sits right up next to this one; a dimension that our physical can’t touch, but our soul can engage.
So, I talk to him. I don’t shut down our connection as dead, but keep our connection alive in love and acceptance of how we are today. I tell him I love him. It seems I can’t tell him this enough even though I know he knows it. I tell him how I feel that I let him down in so many ways, yet the moment those thoughts arise I’m reminded of how I have an eternity to make it up to him. Though I feel this way, I sense his spirit has only love for me, and appreciates what I did give; knowing it was the best I could do at any given time; that is John. He is able to see into others.
Though I sense he feels the depth of my love, I still wish I loved him better while he was here. And through that desire, I’ve learned many lessons. Though I can see how I could have been a better sister, a better friend, I don’t possess any guilt. It’s not about guilt, but about learning from everything and growing. So, I desire, with great mercy and grace, to live in my increased awareness of all he has taught me and continues to teach me.
Though guilt may be an initial reaction to seeing the error of our ways, I’ve learned if I stay in guilt, it keeps me from growing while releasing guilt opens me to learning. Guilt confines me to a reality of a negative effect or outcome, versus growing from my experience and what it intended to give me, and living in that enhanced reality. Because of this, my reflections of John are teaching me a lot. I seek to live in the expanded awareness as I try to carry these lessons forward. I feel this honors him and his transition process.
Love never dies. I heard this over and over the week of his transition. To me, it means the connection between us can never end, wherever we are, because it is sown in an intention of pure love. Perhaps my actions weren’t reflective of the love I feel, but I realize that is part of the plight in this brief reality. A pure and true love is the energetic life force of eternity. It can’t die. If it dies, it was something else.
So our connection is alive and active. I sense his spirit. Through this interaction, I “see” him more clearly now. I see him in ways I didn’t when he was here. I wish I had this vision while he was here, but thankful to possess it now.
For me, continuing to interact with my brother is a blessing to him and me. It isn’t holding on to the past, but engaging him as he is now, and I’ve learned that being current is an essential part of this connection; otherwise I’m connecting to a lifeless image. It’s different in that it’s purely soul to soul, but the connection between us lives. I feel it’s important for him and me that I honor his journey as he moves on to the next stage. Yet, that doesn’t mean letting go of our relationship or connection. But it does mean that I emotionally let him move on to his next stage of his soulful journey by not wanting back the past. Growth, though erratic in going forwards and backwards, comes from a willingness to always go forwards.
For John, I sense that for him to feel our active connection is nurturing to him, because I honor his new place. Yes, I miss his presence. But, I want him to prosper and grow in his new environment; whatever that means. So my heart stays connected to him and supports him fully where he is. I think to strongly want back those who have gone through this transition has a negative pull on them. It certainly seems to have one on us. Perhaps if it is negative, then they don’t feel it. But either way, I feel it’s important to set them free in this way, yet continue to lovingly give our support, for their soul lives on.
When we have a pure love for someone we emotionally allow them to move forward. If we don’t, there is an unhealthy attachment in the relationship, which is something for us to work through.
Because of this understanding of our living connection, I’m exploring a new territory. I’m not only talking to him, but also learning to listen. If our souls are connected because love never dies, then perhaps it’s possible that I can not only sense him, but take it a step further and hear him.
With the Spirit of Truth, my soul is like a receiver that picks up a thought impression of his and I record it. I hear the essence of what he is sharing and write it in my words, if that makes sense. Therefore, I use my words to express his thoughts. From this soul connection I’ve experienced with the Spirit of Truth and the many confirmations of this interaction, I’m wondering if this dynamic can occur with John as well; for love never dies, thus the soul connection of that love.
Allowing myself to sense John’s presence has brought me to deeper levels of compassion, understanding, and an expanding awareness of the shades of love. So, will I be able to go to this next level? I feel compelled at times to do so, so I follow that prompting. I’m exploring this new connection with the caveat of always desiring to stay in the truth, yet always willing to learn.
Regardless, I hold him close. John transitioned, but his soul is very much alive to me. In a pure and true love, our connection remains intact whatever dimension we are in. I let him be free to be where he is. I honor his new form by relating to him as he is. I continue to love him, and with all I’ve learned, more so. I talk to him, I seek to attune to his spirit, and I honor his new life. Love never dies. I take the lessons I am learning from experiencing his life and transition and seek to live in them, which honors him, his life, and ultimately all.
