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Category Archives: Family


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Sticks and Stones: The Power of Words

Sticks and Stones: The Power of Words

Who do you give “authority” to? 

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Above is one of the most popular childhood rhymes that needs a little dissecting, because most of us have been corrupted, damaged, and lived a life of pain because of the words of others, words spoken by those we gave and still give “authority” to.

People speak and act according to how they are not according to the object of their words and actions.  Yet, far too often we’ve internalized the damaging words and actions of others. And God wants to free us.

There are many forms of this truth, but let’s take someone lashing out at another.  When someone delivers a verbal barrage of negativity, it’s about them not the recipient. The problem is most people own other people’s words when it aligns with concepts spoken to them in the past by “authorities”.  When someone lashes out then the recipient thinks something is wrong with them or it’s about them, when the painful delivery has nothing to do with them. How a person acts is all about them; not the recipient. But if their actions and words line up with what an authority figure in their lives spoke, especially a parent or an influential figure of their childhood, they will believe it and internalize the other’s baggage making it a part of who they are.

For example, if someone lost the car keys … I could call them an idiot for being so careless, or not even say a word but in my mind think what an idiot for being so careless. Either way, they would feel the condemnation because people respond to what we give off, not just our words. Matt 5:28 OR I would know we all do forgetful things, help them find the keys, and develop a strategy so they won’t lose them in the future. Consider the impact of the two responses on the recipient. The first would probably make them feel bad about themselves because most people incorrectly own others negative reactions toward them, especially if it was in line with what an authority figure said. The second would be uplifting and helpful.

The greatest impact of this dynamic is with children, which we all were at one point so consider what “baggage” you’ve owned from others. With children, the parents usually have the greatest authority in their lives, what they say the children believe without question and own it as their truth. Whatever they say, the children believe and manifest in their lives. If the parents said they were a loser, then that is how they will grow up unless or until they have a higher authority tell them differently at some point. This is just what children do, they believe their parents.  Children don’t have the experience to realize that how their parents speak to them is about them and not the child. They don’t have a more powerful authority in their lives to tell them otherwise. Calling a child a loser has nothing to do with himself, and everything about the parent, which at one time it had nothing to do with that parent until he heard it from his parents and so on. This is an example of how sin spreads like cancer, because most people own other people’s baggage. 2 Timothy 2:17

You see how lies are passed along. How faulty frameworks about who we are formed. We all grow up with lies by owning others’ baggage. Lies make a train wreck of our lives, but Christ came to rewrite our lives and who we are. He came to show us who we truly are; beautiful, bountiful, blissful, boundless, bold, beloved, and blessed. What we believe we manifest. Many are manifesting the pain of others because they took ownership of their pain by believing their words. Christ came to set us free. John 8:32

As we mature spiritually, we realize that God is our authority, therefore we listen to what He says. When we do listen to Him, our framework changes and we learn that all the negativity spoken to us was about the speaker’s pain and baggage, and had nothing to do with us. If they were different and didn’t have their own bondage they would have never spoken that way to others. This understanding of their bondage is key to forgiveness and love that covers a multitude of sins.

Words are incredibly powerful when they come from someone we’ve given authority to. Who we give authority to dictates our life, because authority manifests belief. What we believe in we create as our reality.  If we give someone authority, then we trust what they say and make their words are truth. Consider the authorities in your life, parents, doctors, PHDs, field experts, spouses, friends, political talking heads, and religious leaders.  What kind of path have they led you on? This isn’t blaming, but taking responsibility for what we hold as truth and who we’ve placed as authorities in our lives who shouldn’t be.

If you still have misplaced authorities, it’s time to dethrone them. Psalm 1:1 THE authority in our lives should be God. Others can confirm what He tells you, but He should be THE authority – because He will speak ONLY truth to you. When He is your authority, you are on the path to tremendous freedom. Freedom from all others’ judgment, opinions, comments, and actions. Thus, freedom from others’ pain and bondage. Freedom from the lies. Freedom to be who you were created to be, someone magnificent because that is the kind of creator God is. Freedom to live a new life and a new reality. We are simply covered in the mud of lies so that is all we can see of ourselves. As mud washes off, God’s truth washes us clean. Putting people as authorities in our lives is putting our lives in the wrong hands. If you truly want to live free, then your authority must be God.

Consider Jesus did anyone alter what He thought and knew about who He was? No. He knew the Truth and His authority was God.

So as long as people are putting others in authority who shouldn’t be the lies spread generation to generation. Misplaced authority manifests false beliefs, and false beliefs manifest a life of suffering and bondage. Our beliefs determine our lives.

Instead of owning the baggage and lies of others, find your identity in Christ and respond with love. In love, tell them it’s not acceptable and look beyond the surface to that bound soul from which came such anger, bitterness, resentment, pain, self-pity, blame, criticalness, and judgment. They need deliverance too. They need love. We all do.


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Mom and Me

Mom and Me

One of a Kind Relationship

In reflection of Mother’s Day yesterday, I want to share with you one of my most cherished relationships, the friendship I have with my mother – a one of a kind.

My Mom and Me

My Mom and Me

Over the years, my mom has become not only one of my most adored friends, but also she understands me more than most. In Social Intelligence, Daniel Goleman talks about how children take on characteristics of their parents – it is fascinating. He explains the neuroscience behind what I have experienced in my relationship with my mom. She and I share not only similar traits but similar “issues”. Her struggles are very similar to mine because as a child I developed in her reflection.

This mirroring is a great blessing because I have someone close to me, whose love abounds toward me, who I can be completely vulnerable with, and who understands!! There is no glazing over of eyes, but a depth that says, yes I know, wrapped in abundant love, not judgment or disapproval. We truly have shared in each others pain, because we both have experienced it in varying degrees. Because of our similarities we are a tremendous support, encouragement and comfort to one another. There is no one who can take her place, because no one understands what I face like she does, and vice versa.

I wish this relationship for everyone because the intimacy is precious and unique. However, I think many don’t because they have resentment toward their mothers (like I once had) or they can’t accept their imperfections; because it is too hard to admit that they may be a bit like their parents. Often the traits we don’t like about others are the traits we don’t like about ourselves – whether we are conscious of it or not. As a result, we keep at a distance from seeking to really know and understand our mothers. When I was younger I convinced myself I was nothing like my mom. I resented certain ways that she was. What a fool I was on many levels. Only when I was open to all that she was did I really begin to learn about her and thus about me and the healing began in our relationship and in us.

I am my mother’s daughter. I am a part of her.

Interestingly, when I accepted that we shared similar issues that is when the healing began. As long as we suppress and deny our inner “stuff” the more it grows and festers. Healing comes with acknowledgement. First you have to acknowledge the problem before it can be fixed. I think God created this mirroring affect with our parents so that we have a built in reflection of ourselves, support, encouragement and someone to help us grow past out issues.

If there are things about your mom you don’t like. Take a closer examination. Perhaps there is some of her issues in you that you need to acknowledge so you can grow past them. And once you realize that it is okay to share in those vulnerabilities, then the healing begins and the journey to freedom can be shared with a woman who understands more than anyone else. And in the process a sweet intimacy is created unlike any other.


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The Father Connection

The Father Connection

 

From personal experience and from a multitude of conversations, I see a very strong correlation between the type of relationship we have or had with our earthly father and the type of relationship we have with God . . . initially.

Unfortunately, many of our dads have given us negative ideas of what a father is: selfish, controlling, neglectful, abusive, overbearing, pushover, passive, and tyrannical. These poor images are often obstacles to overcome when we are seeking the truth of the character of God. Our dads’ traits create a framework of what a father means to us. Initially, we place that structure onto God, good or bad.

If your dad abandoned you, you believe God will leave you, if he was difficult to please, you think God is never satisfied, if he was distant, God seems inaccessible, if he gave conditional love, God will withdraw His love, if he was judgmental, God is seen as critical, and if he rejected you, you believe God will. On the other hand, if your dad gave you security, God is secure, if he protected you, God is your shelter, if he gave unreserved love, God gives unconditionally, if he was accepting, God will receive you no matter what, and if he was involved, God is too. Our challenge is to seek who God truly is and not what our particular experience of a dad dictates.

Whether we call him dad, daddy, pop, pops, poppa, father, sir or nothing because he wasn’t there, we all have dads who made a tremendous impact on how we view God. To understand that our natural inclination is to put our dad-filter onto God is the first step in learning the truth about Him. Without this self-reflection, we walk around unknowingly believing misconceptions about God. We will relate to Him not as He is but as our filter dictates. Our beliefs are everything and therefore it is important to abide in the Word to get to know Him as He is. It is essential to our lives, because God is life, to remove our old dusty filters and replace it with the pure, true reality.

John 8:32 “And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”

Understanding and acknowledging the impact that our dads have on our perception of God helps us to move closer to understanding who He is and therefore gain the relationship we were meant to have with Him. His intimate presence in our lives is His desire for us and to realize that most us have misunderstood who He is as a father is a monumental step to a fulfilling that purpose.

I have an amazing father. I am very blessed because he instilled in me trust, security, mercy, and love, which made it easier for me to believe and accept these traits in my relationship with God. However, it doesn’t require a good dad to be intimate with God. I have friends whose fathers were distant and negligent and God has filled a very special void in their lives creating an incredible bond. We didn’t choose our fathers. God chose them for us regardless of how they were to draw us to Him.

Me and My Dad

Me and My Dad

The intense hunger for an idyllic dad was placed in us by God to be ultimately for Him. Therefore, we are to seek Him to fill this role because He is the only One who can. If we continue to look to our earthly dads to fulfill it or have suppressed the desire out of continued disappointment we will never find what our souls hunger for. God created us with this yearning that we might grope for Him.

Just realizing this connection doesn’t change it but it is an essential step because it puts our hearts in a seeking mode. We have to personally dive into God’s Word and learn who He is. Our heavenly Father far surpasses any concept we have a dad and He wants to reveal this side of Himself to each one of us in a personal way. As always, our part is to seek.

Take a piece of paper divide it into two columns. Write down all the characteristics of your earthly father. On the other side write down all the characteristics you currently believe about God and be honest. Don’t write what you have heard, write what you believe. How does He respond when you do something good? How does He respond when you do something bad? What does He think about you? And so on.

Then start seeking out who God truly is in the Word. Write down the verses where He is telling you who He is as your perfect eternal Father. Try not to filter but come with an open heart to know Him as He is. If we seek, we will find.


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The Power of Confession

 The Power of Confession

 

A while ago, my mom and I had a heart to heart discussing some of our deepest wounds. It wasn’t meant to be a confession, though that is exactly what it was. We were simply being honest and open about issues we face and how they impacted each other and sometimes still do.

Recently, my husband and I had a similar conversation. Again, it wasn’t meant to be a confession, we were just being transparent about pains and weaknesses and how they affect each other. Like the conversation with my mom, our talk was liberating on many levels. We had confessed our shortcomings to God many times, and told each other sorry for things we had done, but when we exposed the depths of our souls and our own pain that caused pain in each other; it took healing to a new level and brought us closer. Through our words, love abounded and pain receded.

The freedom and restoration I experienced from these two encounters got me thinking about the power of confession. Both conversations encompassed deep wounds and I am discovering the deeper the pain the more restorative the confession. Usually we are scratching the surface when we tell someone we are sorry, but when we pour out our souls to another in love it is truly powerful.

James 5:16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

When and why is confession between two people so powerful that it heals years of pain? When it is grounded and flows from love. As for the why, there are many reasons it is powerful, but here are three.

1. Vulnerability in confession communicates the extent of our love for someone. A heart of confession is open, honest, contrite, humble, and doesn’t care just about itself but also others. When we are willing to be naked, vulnerable, weak and to set our pride aside it reveals our love for the other person. If we didn’t love them we wouldn’t be willing to be so open and exposed. Our willingness to unveil our souls is powerful because it infuses truth and love into the relationship

2. Words have power. Created in God’s image our words have tremendous power. They can heal or damage. Openly stating that we have caused hurt, though often unintentionally, frees and heals the hearer. Confessions are words of love, which are more potent than words of pain.

3. Truth manifests love. The more we see and know about ourselves and others in the light of God’s truth, the more we can truly love. Knowledge brings understanding which fosters love, which sets us free.

We are made to love and for that reason most of what we do involves others including our healing and theirs. Philippians 2:4 Confession is just as much about the other person as it is about us. God may know, we may know but they don’t know our heart until we speak it. When we put our pride aside, acknowledge the pain we feel and caused we love. The reward is two-fold; we are more fully freed and healed from our brokenness and so are they. Even if others aren’t ready to confess their part in creating pain, the love we show will help heal their brokenness and put them on a path of being able to face their own pain and the pain they caused.

Confession doesn’t promise something similar won’t happen again. It expresses our hearts that we don’t desire to hurt. We are human and putting off our old self and living in the new life is a process. Letting others see into our hearts to know that we desire to give love not pain covers a multitude of sins.